I am beginning to understand myself

I just read this:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
And while my ambivalence hasn't reached anything near the level of the writer here, I begin to understand the things that go through my mind on my low days, when nothing makes me happy.

Here we go again...

Same old shit again
Marchin' down the avenue
Too damn long til we'll be through.

It's gonna be a rough week for me, everyone. I don't really know how to explain it, just know that my man is at  a training exercise and there is a strict 'No Electronics' policy. I won't see or hear from him until Thursday after I get home from class. I'm not handling it well, and  reality is sinking in slowly and cruelly that in just one month, he will be leaving this place, and going home for HRAP (hometown recruiting). Shortly after that, he moves on to Germany.

The good news is that he has been talking about "dragging me with him" (in the army you can take your family with you if you go to certain places - that means marriage). Omygosh. But hey I've been thinking that this guy is the one for quite a while now.

That's all I've got for today, I'm trying to find a cute pair of shoes.... just looking, they make me happy. :)
peace out!

It is 0027 hours

That's 27 minutes past midnight for all you civilians out there. I am sitting on cq (charge of quarters) duty for what will be 26 hours since Feb 2nd. I have another 4 hour shift tomorrow from 0400 to 0800, which I am also not looking forward to too much. But these shifts give me time to think about things. like.... just life. I'm currently working on reading a book called Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic, a man born with no limbs, just a little stub of a foot where his left leg should be, and two toes on that little stub. Yet he lives almost normally.
Obviously there are some things that he probably has to get help with: opening jars, doors, that sort of thing, but the man has an unshakable faith in God's plan for him, and the biggest can-do attitude of anyone I've ever seen. I first came to know of him by way of a short film that I watched in a class called The Butterfly Circus  Vujicic (Voy-a-chich) played the role of Will, a young man who traveled with a circus as part of a freak show. but someone sees the potential in him, as a person, rather than as a source of income for a traveling sideshow that exploits people for their differences. My teacher then went to show the class a video of Vujicic's  and there are many, many more like it including this one  where he is featured on Oprah Winfrey's LifeClass, and this one which contains excerpts from the original video I saw.
This man has every reason (to the eye of another person) to be dissatisfied with the hand he has been dealt, but instead, he thanks God for the opportunities he's been given. I haven't even read a full chapter of his book, and I know that if I could meet any one person on this earth, it would be him. Be angry about what you don't have, or be grateful for what you do have. That is a powerful message. In the original video that I saw, he purposely falls over and speaks about how if you believe you can't do something, you are absolutely right, and how if you give up when you fall down, you will never get up he then shocks his audience by getting up with no assistance except from a book on the table. That image stays on my mind to this day.
I hope that there is someone out there, reading this blog, looking for some small sliver of a reason to look up, to smile, and to carry on. To keep trying is the bravest thing one can do when you want to give up.
Nick Vujicic is living proof of God's existence in this world. He is a miracle sent to show people that all they have to do is want something bad enough, to try one more time when they think it's impossible, and maybe, just maybe, that will be that last push they need to succeed. I hope that if anyone is looking for a little inspiration, they come across one of Vujicic's videos, because it is truly some amazing stuff.
xoxo

My Dumb Self

I am SO stupid.
Someone who lives in the room next door to me at the barracks asked if I could cover a CQ (Charge of Quarters - just means sitting at the front desk and being available to answer a phone... which, incidentally, is broken) shift for her tonight, so that she could go out. I ended up taking it. It was a four hour shift that lasted from 2000 hours to 2400 hours. About halfway through, the other soldier on CQ asked... "Who's supposed to relieve us?"
Me: Uhhhh I have no idea
Her: I know (insert name of one of my roommates here) was supposed to be on shift, but she traded...
Me: I'm usually on shift with her - awww fuck.
Yes, readers, I ended up getting an 8 hour duty because I don't remember things too well. I am a genius.
At least I will get recovery hours for this, and tomorrow is Sunday, so I can just sleep it off as much as I need to. Plus, I only have 2 hours left and I am only barely getting tired.
I'ma be ok.

But I did think it was rather rude of the gal whom I took the shift for to look at me like "it sucks to be you" when I told her the story of how I managed to wind up in this situation. I was just offering an entertaining story.

Also, eight people came into the company limping because they had been ice skating; another came back and told me that I should take life lessons from dogs. I was just like "go to bed (name of guy), you are drunk" Never thought I'd get to use that one on someone.

3/4 of my shift is over!

He

Is sitting an inch away from me, but it feels like we're miles apart. I love him, but these arguments hurt so much.

Its like a knife in my heart, but I can't be anything but angry.

Innocent lives

Destroyed in Connecticut today. 27 people who will never smile, laugh, or brighten the life of someone else again. 20 children who will never grow up, but none of them have gone off to Never Never Land with Peter Pan.

It disgusts me. How can a person - mentally ill or not - aim a gun at a child and pull the trigger?

It breaks my heart.

Dear Jacoby...

I wonder what you're thinking of right now. Do you ever think of me? Do you miss me at all?

I guess it's not that important, but I miss you. I miss talking to you, and sitting around joking about things. I miss being the reason for that smile and I wish that you still wanted me like you said that you did.

That is all, I would say more but it doesn't really matter to you.

Just a shout-out

Not a lot going on in my life, just Army stuff. I'm going home for Christmas so that's good.  I can't wait to be back in Texas. I miss my family and my friends. I even miss my old high school.

Two Weeks

That's how long I've been hanging out with him. Why then does it hurt so bad that I haven't really seen him in a few days?

This is totally random.

But it baffles me how a person can just walk into your life and change everything.
A month ago, I thought that I was going to marry my high school sweetheart. A week ago, I broke off out relationship because something was different between us. Maybe it was in my head, but everything felt wrong.

I met this guy here at ait, and we started talking. It only took a few days for me to figure out why everything felt wrong with my ex. I couldn't talk to him and have him understand what basic training put me through, he didn't even try to understand.

But this new guy:
Everything about him is totally different from my ex. He has this gorgeous goofy smile that makes my stomach drop and my heart jump up into my throat every time.  And when he kisses me. Ohh, my heart skips a beat. I always said to myself that I would never have a romantic relationship in the army, but now I guess I'll have to start saying 'never say never' because this is just the final proof for me that my future isn't set in stone.